THE NEW RELIGION
By: Tarek007, May 24, 2005
(A post that may have contributed to my incarceration)
After a looooong blank stare… and an even longer thinking session (because sometimes staring doesn’t mean thinking)… and after doing a full feasibility study for a project… and while I was scribbling drafts for a long and complex—political—project…
I discovered that the best thing someone can do in this messed-up world is to just invent a religion.
Why? Because at least you make some clean money instead of being humiliated like the rest. You stash it away for a rainy day… (I mean, if the secret police come knocking, where else am I gonna get bribery money to bail myself out?)
Bottom line: use your brain, people.
Enough already.
We’ve laughed a lot. They’ve laughed at us even more.
We joked so much they turned us into jokers… a deck of cards, all jokers, no ace.
And everyone’s scamming in their own special way… I’m sick of it.
So, I’ve decided to start a new religion.
And after turning it over in my head, I realized we need some key components. I’ll list them now and break each one down later:
1. A Central Figure:
And it will be me. Don’t rebel right off the bat. Don’t make me get rude already.
Come on—I did the feasibility study, I had the idea, I am the capital investor—
And then someone pipes up, “Why you?”
Listen: after I’m dead, do whatever you want—fight over my succession, slaughter each other, I don’t care.
But for now, I’m the central figure.
2. A Holy Book:
I found the perfect name: The Bucket (Arabic: Al-Satl)
It’s a word with deep etymological roots—Czechoslovakian in origin, Sanskrit for “Vessel of Wisdom,” and in Hieroglyphics it means “Container of Milk.”
Profound.
3. Miracles:
I’m not great at lying, and lies have short legs.
So we’ll discuss miracles in the first shareholders’ meeting.
But no idiocy, okay? Don’t go getting me arrested from day one.
We’re just here to grab a few bites and a little loot.
Actually—scratch that. I’ll just make up the miracles myself.
Meeting canceled. No emergency general assembly. No bulls**t. No one shows up.
4. Rituals and Holidays:
We’ll have prayer, fasting, and the usual stuff.
We’ll pick a weekly day off—but not Friday, Saturday, or Sunday.
We need to stand out from all those other infidel sects.
5. Worship Chants:
Kind of like Christian evangelism or Islamic supplications.
Our chant will be:
“The whisper in the ear is like magic.”
(Don’t ask.)
6. Funding:
Initially, we’ll rely on member contributions.
But once things pick up and the wheel turns, we’ll follow the “Grease the pot with its own fat” model.
7. Defining Moments in the Religion’s History:
We’ll need iconic moments.
Like: Sermon on the Mount, Jesus’s trial/crucifixion/resurrection, the Prophet’s Farewell Sermon, or Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I have a dream.”
Big, emotional stuff.
8. Enemies of the New Religion:
Essential!
They help us gain sympathy and attract followers.
People love an underdog being oppressed.
9. Followers of the New Religion:
[Insert dramatic pause here]
They’ll be divided into tiers:
- Beloved Inner Circle:
Like disciples or companions.
They’ll be close to the central figure—me.
Most, if not all, of them will be women. Compensation for the injustices they’ve endured from false religions.
They’ll maintain a continuous state of intimate gathering with Yours Truly. -
Agents:
That’s you.
You’ll serve as intermediaries between me and the third tier.
BUT you are absolutely forbidden from contacting the Beloved Inner Circle.
This is a respectable religion—we’ve got a reputation to uphold.
What, you think this is some kind of free-for-all? -
The Herd:
This is the general public—brainwashed, bottom-tier losers.
Controlled by the Agents, under my direct instructions.
10. Conversion Stories:
You know—testimonies about how people left false religions to join ours.
I was going to discuss these during the miracles meeting.
But since I canceled it, I’ll just make those up myself too.
Tomorrow, we’ll go over each of these components in detail.
Translated with love and liberties,